The Experiencing Self and the Remembering Self or Well-being and Happiness

Posted on October 18, 2011 by

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Why do some divorcees recover more easily than others?

Posted on October 12, 2011 by

A study on the personality trait for post-divorce resilience reported here suggests it has to do with high levels of self-compassion.  This quality is defined as “a combination of kindness toward oneself, recognition of common humanity, and the ability to let painful emotions pass”.

[...]
It’s not easy to change personality traits, but a divorcee may be able to modify how he or she views the separation, says lead author and University of Arizona psychologist David Sbarra in a news release. “This study opens a window for how we can potentially cultivate self-compassion … and help smooth the journey through one of life’s most difficult experiences.”

One of the ways to cultivate self-compassion is through the practice of mindfulness.

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Just Listen

Posted on October 11, 2011 by

Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.

One of my patients told me that when she tried to tell her story people often interrupted to tell her that they once had something just like that happen to them. Subtly her pain became a story about themselves. Eventually she stopped talking to most people. It was just too lonely. We connect through listening. When we interrupt what someone is saying to let them know that we understand, we move the focus of attention to ourselves. When we listen, they know we care. Many people with cancer talk about the relief of having someone just listen.

I have learned to respond to someone crying by just listening. In the old days I used to reach for the tissues, until I realized that passing a person a tissue may be just another way to shut them down, to take them out of their experience of sadness and grief. Now I just listen. When they have cried all they need to cry, they find me there with them.

This simple thing has not been that easy to learn. It certainly went against everything I had been taught since I was very young. I thought people listened only because they were too timid to speak or did not know the answer. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.

Remen, R. N. (1997). Kitchen table wisdom. (pp. 368). Riverhead Trade.

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Training Videos on Transformative Mediation

Posted on October 7, 2011 by

I recently came across a couple of training videos on transformative mediation produced by the Institute for the Study of Conflict Transformation.  The first is an excerpt from What the Parents Know and shows Judy Saul, a fellow of the Institute giving a classic opening statement in the transformative model that focuses on the people having their own conversation that may open up space for greater clarity, sense of purpose, and openness to the other person:

The second video is an excerpt of an interview of Joe Folger, one of the co-originators of transformative practice, talking initially about the difference between finding ways to satisfy peoples’ needs over against supporting a conversation in which people take responsibility, deliberate, and make decisions about the subject of the conversation.  He then goes on to describe a training course in transformative mediation:

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Steve Jobs, 1955-2011, a Tribute to the Crazy Ones

Posted on October 6, 2011 by

Below is the first video, though it was never broadcast, in the Apple ad campaign, ‘Think Different’.  Steve Jobs himself does the voice-over and unquestionably now belongs among the greats who are featured.

 

 

 

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Through the Heart of Every Human Being

Posted on September 19, 2011 by

If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart? -Alexander Solzhenitsyn, novelist, Nobel laureate (1918-2008)

(h/t: wordsmith.org)

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September 11th

Posted on September 11, 2011 by

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Settling Disputes without Lawyers

Posted on September 1, 2011 by

Now that I have your attention, I must confess that the sub-head of the article in the BuffaloNews.com of August 29th actually read, “Settling disputes without lawyers can save you money”.

The piece goes on to discuss various processes in ADR, alternative dispute resolution, in terms of  ”a less expensive, less time-consuming, more private option to settle conflicts.”

The objective of mediation as an ADR process here is a negative one, to avoid expense, time, and abstract and generalized rules and procedures that may not fit individual circumstances.

Unfortunately, the ‘efficiency argument’ has become the principal driver for mediation, particularly in the context of court-connected mediation.  This thinking is now so prevalent that it has become received wisdom.  It was not always so.

Some 40 years ago, at the inception of mediation processes in community centres in North America, the unique benefit of mediation was seen in terms of its potential for re-orienting people in conflict back towards each other in order that they can decide whether and how to handle their own issues.

This distinct value of mediation is a driving force in those approaches that are relational and that focus on party choice and openness to other.

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Consider This on Self-Awareness

Posted on August 31, 2011 by

“If we were to make a list of people we don’t like – people we find obnoxious, threatening, or worthy of contempt – we would find out a lot about those aspects of ourselves that we can’t face. If we were to come up with one word about each of the troublemakers in our lives, we would find ourselves with a list of descriptions of our own rejected qualities, which we project onto the outside world. The people who repel us unwittingly show the aspects of ourselves that we find unacceptable, which otherwise we can’t see [...] They mirror us and give us the chance to befriend all of that ancient stuff that we carry around like a backpack full of boulders.”

[Chodron, P. (2001). Start where you are: a guide to compassionate living. (pp. 176). Boston: Shambhala Publications. Retrieved from http://www.shambhala.com/html/catalog/items/isbn/978-1-57062-839-9.cfm?utm_medium=email&utm_source=HA%208/31/11]

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When a Parent Disses the Other Parent in front of Children

Posted on August 15, 2011 by

It’s a commonplace in the child development literature that telling your children how much you blame your former spouse or partner for the breakdown of the relationship may be harmful for the children themselves.

Anthony Wolf

Clinical psychologist, Anthony E. Wolf, tackles the subject in his August 12th column in the Globe and Mail:

On one of his weekend visits with his father, Duane tells him: “Hey Dad, Mom says you and her [sic] got a divorce because you used to get real mad all the time, and that you were really mean to her. She says if it weren’t for the way that you treated her, you’d still be married.”

Wolf illustrates the reasons why it is considered deleterious to bad-mouth the other parent to your children:

We ask Duane, “How do you feel when your Mom tells you this stuff?”

“I feel bad. Mad at Dad from what Mom is telling me. But I never like hearing about it. It always upsets me. I don’t like hearing bad stuff about Dad. I don’t like feeling that I have to take sides. I have enough to worry about.”

As hard as it may be, don’t try to defend yourself. Don’t get into [...] the particulars of the marriage. Don’t counterattack. The best strategy? Stay neutral.

“Your mother and I got a divorce because we did not get along.”

“But what about what Mom said?”

“Your mother and I got a divorce because we did not get along.”

This is where any parent reading my advice who has been in this situation will go berserk: “But you have to say something. You can’t let Duane go forward with this totally wrong opinion.”

Actually, your teen will be happy that you’re not getting into it. It will be a relief.

“The truth is I don’t want to hear anybody’s side. It just make me crazy.”

As children develop, they gain perspective and clarity, and are able to articulate what is at stake when a parent criticises the other within their earshot:

[...] if we were to ask Duane six years from now whether he thought that it was important that he knew the true story of his parents’ divorce we might well get the following response:

“Not really. I didn’t care whose fault it was. And I don’t care now. What I wanted was not to hear about it. What I wanted was to have as good a relationship with each of them as I could. I certainly didn’t want to have to take sides about whose fault the divorce was. Mom always said how Dad would lose his temper about everything and that he was impossible to live with. But when I would say anything to him about it, he really didn’t say anything or defend himself. I always felt that with Mom it was always that she wanted something from me. Thinking back, I definitely liked Dad’s approach better. He was way more mature about it. I still love Mom and all. But I do think that her telling me all that stuff was more about her needs, rather than anything that was best for me. Because it wasn’t. It just messed with my head.” (emphasis added)

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